she looked like the bat from fern gully.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
