We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
