i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
