Having a random hookup so left but love u
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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