My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
