Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What a dumb baby whore.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
