Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
