he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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