Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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