I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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