On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
