We're facebook friends in real life
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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