I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
