I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Your cock deserves a montage
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
