You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
