considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
