Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
