i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
