On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
