Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
