shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
