Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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