went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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