We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
