You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
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You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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