I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
