I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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