your thong is hanging out like whoa
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
