Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just googled if crying burns calories
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
