you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
