i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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