you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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