I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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