you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
