A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
