If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
