I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
