Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
