This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize