just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
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