your parents love me but you hate me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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