I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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