my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
