I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
