I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There's even glitter on my cock...
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