she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's always time for handjobs
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
