If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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