these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
