"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
