Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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