I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
