Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you will always have a special place in my vag
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
