Who wears a wallet chain?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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