overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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