Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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