My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
