phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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