All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
