proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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