Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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