just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
