I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
