I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
