you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
