so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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