Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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